Why Do I Keep Dating the Same Type of Person?

 

Have you ever noticed a pattern in your dating history—perhaps being drawn to emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or charming yet unreliable partners? Recognizing this cycle can be frustrating and demoralizing, but understanding why it happens is the first step toward change. While this topic warrants a whole library's worth of exploration, depth-oriented psychotherapy and attachment theory are a good place to start to shed some light on these patterns and offer strategies for breaking free.

The Role of the Unconscious

Depth-oriented psychotherapy suggests that we unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics from early life. Sigmund Freud (I know, I know– while some of his ideas are outdated or outright harmful to women and queer folks, modern psychotherapy does branch from the work he started) described this as repetition compulsion—the tendency to repeat unresolved emotional experiences in an attempt to "master" them. For example, if you grew up earning affection from emotionally distant caregivers, you might choose partners who replicate that dynamic, hoping for a different outcome.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, offers another explanation. Early bonds with caregivers shape our adult relationships. If you consistently date people who evoke feelings of insecurity or dissatisfaction, it may be tied to your attachment style. For example, anxiously attached individuals might repeatedly choose avoidant partners, creating a push-pull dynamic that mirrors childhood experiences of inconsistency.

The “Spark” Trap

Many people equate the feeling of a “spark” with love, but this intense attraction is often rooted in the familiarity of early emotional experiences. It might feel magnetic, but that spark often signals unresolved wounds, not compatibility. Hollywood certainly feeds off this version of attraction and can contribute to making us believe that the “spark” equals “love.” Instead of seeking intense highs and lows, depth-oriented therapy encourages recognizing healthier dynamics, even if they initially feel unfamiliar.

Why It’s so Hard to Break Free:

1. Emotional familiarity: Dysfunctional relationships can feel "right" because they align with our emotional blueprints that we still have from early experiences. 

2. “The Spark trap”: Healthy, stable relationships may feel unfamiliar or "boring" compared to the emotional intensity of unhealthy ones. Movies and tv can romanticize dysfunctional relationships in ways that affect our judgment as well. 

3. Confirmation bias: We subconsciously seek relationships that validate beliefs like "love requires suffering" or “I’m not worthy of consistent care.”

4. Avoiding intimacy: Counterintuitively, sometimes we seek relationships that help us avoid being vulnerable, which is a prerequisite for real intimacy. This could look like pursuing partners who are unavailable, or finding yourself consistently performing roles like “caretaker” or “fixer” within the relationship which prevents mutual vulnerability.

How to Break the Cycle

1. Cultivate self-awareness: Reflect on your relationship patterns through journaling or therapy. Ask yourself:

  • What initially attracts me to someone?

  • How do these relationships make me feel?

  • Are there similarities to my early experiences?

2. Understand your attachment style: Take an attachment quiz or work with a therapist to identify your relational tendencies. Understanding your style can help you make conscious choices and navigate emotional triggers. Check out this blog post for a deeper look into attachment styles in relationships.

3. Challenge the “spark”: Seek relationships that feel calm and supportive, even if they lack the initial intensity you’re used to. The absence of a spark might actually indicate a healthier connection.

4. Set boundaries and communicate: Learn to recognize red flags early and communicate your needs. This creates space for healthier dynamics to emerge. It’s okay if it feels awkward at first—have compassion for yourself and keep trying.

5. Work with a therapist

Depth-oriented or attachment-focused therapy can help you uncover and process the unconscious patterns driving your choices. Therapy offers a safe space to rewrite your relationship story with self-worth and emotional safety at the center.

Breaking the cycle of dating the same type of person isn’t easy, but it’s possible. By cultivating self-awareness, setting boundaries, and seeking healthier connections, you can create relationships rooted in security and genuine connection. Leave the “spark” for the cheesy movies.

References

  • Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

  • Freud, S. (1914). "Remembering, Repeating, and Working-Through (Further Recommendations on the Technique of Psychoanalysis II)."

  • Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. Penguin Random House.

  • SXSW. (2021, April 19). F*ck The Spark and Other Ways Not to Die Alone [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY6PVOXZtLg 

Kate Roberts is a Self Space therapist who works with people experiencing life transitions, loneliness and relationship issues, anxiety and depression, chronic illness, and folks navigating queer identities. Her intent is to help foster more authenticity, fluidity, and relief in the areas of your life where you may currently feel disconnected, stuck, or anxious.

 
Kate Roberts