What Do You Actually Want?
When you want something badly, but aren’t clear about why your thinking can run wild. It is easy for the mind to build up to conclusions based on unexamined assumptions, creating a tower of thought that appears to be sturdy, but turns out more like Jenga blocks that are about to collapse.
Take a common goal, like wanting to lose weight. Why do you want to lose weight? Is it the pressure from looking at celebrities on Instagram? Do you want to feel more romantically attractive? Do you want to be able to run a marathon, or just go for a walk in the woods? Maybe you just want to feel strong and capable in your body.
There are many good reasons to want to lose weight. Getting clear on the reason that motivates you will not only help you accomplish your goal, but puts you in the middle of the experience. That way, the goal is not something external to you that has a finite end point, but is part of the more comprehensive process of how you live your life.
Specific goals are great, but they are endless. Once you set out to lose 15 lbs, a multitude of smaller steps arise. Will you run three times a week, go to the gym to lift weights, ride a bike? Are you going to overhaul your diet, or just reduce your carbohydrate intake, or cut out sugar? There are many ways to get where you are going, and all of them are filled with repeated decisions that only you can make. Which means you will need a sustainable source of motivational energy.
Personally, I want to lose weight because I really enjoy feeling strong and attractive. I played a lot of sports when I was a teenager, and loved being able to move with purpose around the basketball and tennis courts, being in the right position to make the right play. Now, nearing 40-years-old, divorced and dating again, my motivation for getting in shape is different than it used to be. As a teenager, I wanted to excel athletically. As an adult in early middle-age, I’m looking for a sense of functional strength in my body, and to look great in my clothes.
Ask yourself what you actually want, and why you want it. When you ask yourself a genuine question, listen for a sincere answer from yourself. It can help to write it down or talk it through with a therapist, partner, or friend, just to hear it out loud. The words you use and your tone of voice can help you sift through the layers of what you think you should want, so you can discover what you actually care about.
Simple questions can generate unexpected answers.
Get up to date with what you want now.
The answer may be different than it used to be.
Marcus Berley is a Self Space Seattle therapist who works with high-achieving people who want to access the deeper areas of their lived experience, including individuals who struggle to fully enjoy their success and couples who struggle to address conflict and cultivate a more intimate connection.