What is Prepare/Enrich Premarital Therapy Part II
Identifying and Managing Major Stressors, and Resolving Conflicts
After taking the time to strengthen the essential skill of communication (touched on in Part I of this series), couples move towards identifying and managing major stressors, as well as resolving conflict. By using the Prepare/Enrich assessment results, as well as open dialogue in session, the couple and therapist work together to identify stressors and points of contention that they would like to bring to therapy. If there’s one thing I can guarantee, it’s this: stress and conflict are present in every relationship. The work we do in therapy provides us with tools that allow us to feel supported when navigating seasons of high stress and conflict. The end goal here isn’t always to find a solution to a problem, but rather to find safety, understanding, and receptive communication within the relationship when problems inevitably arise.
Some common stressors for premarital couples are wedding planning and finances. However, most of us have been carrying a significant load of stress for our entire lives, which *undoubtedly* shows up in our interpersonal relationships. The Prepare/Enrich assessment provides the couple and therapist with a list of current stressors that are likely impacting each individual, and in turn, the couple. This feedback creates space for the couple and therapist to engage in meaningful, constructive conversation which allows for growth and new perspectives. Sometimes, a simple conversation about time allocation, balancing priorities, and support from our partner can provide the couple with a sense of motivation and release. Other times, processing bigger themes such as grief and loss, control, and residual trauma are necessary. Either way, premarital counseling is meant to be a space where the relationship gets the support, healing, and tools for growth that it needs and deserves.
Research done by the Gottman Institute has demonstrated that upwards of 69% of conflicts in interpersonal relationships are essentially “unsolvable.” Frankly put,sometimes conflict just simply can’t be “solved”. That being said, conflict is an inevitable part of being human. In premarital counseling, we work towards finding ways to approach conflict that allows for openness to differing opinions and truths, willingness to access and experience a wide range of emotions, opportunity to self-soothe and co-regulate, and the safety to try something new. Prepare/Enrich often uses a worksheet called “Ten Steps For Resolving Conflict”, which allows for the couple to work through a recurring problem by encouraging teamwork, thinking outside of the box, and trying something new. What I love most about this worksheet is that each partner involved is encouraged to find a way in which they contribute to the problem. Oftentimes in conflict, we are quick to either assume full blame for a problem or to blame other parties, thus neglecting the fact that we are a key player within a relational system. By recognizing that we all play a role and contribute in one way or another, we feel less threatened and more open to connection. That said, I want to be clear that this explanation pertains to individuals in a safe relationship. Assuming responsibility for abuse of any kind is a common trauma response, and is exempt from this conversation.
In Part III, we will briefly discuss the final goals of Prepare/Enrich Premarital Therapy, which are Developing a More Balanced Relationship, and Maximizing Teamwork.