How you can understand your partner’s attachment style and foster a secure attachment

What is Attachment in Romantic Relationships?

Attachment in romantic relationships profoundly shapes how partners interact, communicate, and support one another. Our approaches to intimacy, trust, and openness are heavily influenced by attachment styles that usually form in childhood and often carry into adult partnerships. Let’s cover four attachment styles and some steps you can take to build a secure, lasting bond.

Four Types of Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles develop in childhood and form the “blueprint” for how we experience and handle relationships. These attachment styles affect how we react in moments of closeness and stress, how we communicate, and how we respond to our partner’s needs. Let’s break down the four primary attachment styles and see how they manifest in romantic relationships:

1. Secure Attachment

Common Traits: A sense of ease with intimacy, the capacity to rely on others while still valuing independence, and a balanced attitude toward closeness and personal boundaries.

In Relationships: Those with a secure attachment style tend to feel at ease with intimacy, trust their partner, and can depend on them while also honoring their need for autonomy. They handle conflicts effectively and engage in open communication, fostering a stable and supportive relationship atmosphere.

2. Anxious Attachment

Common Traits: A fear of abandonment, a need for reassurance, and likely to worry about the stability of the partnership.

In Relationships: Individuals who are anxiously attached tend to experience worry that their partner may abandon them thus leading to a sense of insecurity. They could experience clinginess or want constant approval from their partner because they fear the relationship might fail. People with this attachment pattern may become over reliant on their partner for comfort. 

3. Avoidant Attachment

Typical Characteristics: A tendency to experience significant discomfort with intimacy, an inclination to hide or suppress emotions, and a preference for independence.

In Relationships: People with this attachment style may be perceived as emotionally detached and are likely to avoid difficult conversations involving any vulnerability due to the fear that any sense of intimacy or closeness could jeopardize autonomy. They tend to prioritize their independence and avoid intimacy.  

4. Disorganized Attachment

Typical Characteristics: Mixed feelings and unease regarding intimacy, a fear of rejection, often due to past trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

In Relationships: People with disorganized attachment tend to feel tension in relationships involving a desire for closeness to their partner and fearing it at the same time. They can struggle trusting their partner and feel uncertain about handling intimacy. This could lead to unpredictable or erratic behavior. 

Five Useful Steps for Couples to Develop a Secure Bond

Couples can improve their relationship by putting some of the following techniques into practice:

1. Communicate Openly and Nonjudgmentally: Express your emotions without blaming others by using "I" phrases. Say "I feel disconnected when we don't spend time together" instead of "You never spend time with me," for example.

2. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques: Journaling or mindfulness are two ways that people with anxious attachment styles might benefit from learning how to manage their anxieties on their own. It is possible for people with avoidant attachment to gradually open up and become more comfortable with vulnerability.

3. Develop Trust Gradually: Consistent support for one another fosters trust over time. This entails keeping promises, showing emotional support, and observing one's own boundaries.

4. Establish Frequent "Check-In" Moments: Make time once a week to discuss your relationship honestly and see how each other is feeling. Both partners benefit from these discussions by feeling heard and appreciated. 

5. Seek Therapy When Necessary: Therapy offers the resources and environment required to address complex relationship problems. A trained therapist can assist couples in recognizing attachment-related problems and help establish a lasting connection.

Mark Ponce is a Self Space therapist who works with individuals and couples who are experiencing anxiety, grief/loss, challenges associated with their identity and worldviews, and going through transitions. He has a particular interest working with people who want to feel more connected to themselves and their romantic partner(s).