I wish I could tell you the right thing to say to someone who's grieving the death of a loved one. I wish that the embers of my grief—the ones that smolder deep inside of me, ready to burst into flames at a moment's notice—left me with some infallible wisdom to pass along to you. I wish that the science that informs my work as a therapist came with a manual of steadfast rules about grief, rules we could use to know what to say and when to say it. Alas, here we are, imperfectly figuring it out together. 

When people ask me what to say to someone in the throes of grief, I tell them, "It matters less what you say and more that you say something." You see, we live in a grief-denying society in which the pain of the bereaved is largely unacknowledged, suppressed, and even denied. Awkward, maladaptive responses to grief are common. Grievers might endure a lack of compassion, platitudes, or the apparent disappearance of people from their lives because most of us aren't taught how to support someone through grief. Bereaved individuals often conceal their grief in social settings to avoid burdening or being judged by others. This can lead to social disconnection and psychological distress. Long story short—our grieving friends need us. 

We can't take away someone's pain, no matter how desperately we want to do just that. But we can be there for—and with—them. We can engage in the delicate task of offering support to someone who's grieving with empathy and tenderness. I'm not here to tell you the "right" way to do this. There isn't a right way. Instead, I’m here to share with you how I show up for my people when grief strikes. I hope you’ll take what resonates with you and adapt it in a way that feels genuine. You can leave the rest. 

Express Sympathy:

• "I'm so sorry this happened."

• "I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm here for you."

Share Memories:

• "I remember when [mention a positive memory of the person who passed away]."

• "I'll always smile when I think of the times we [shared a particular experience]."

• "I would love to hear more about [the person who passed away] when you're ready to share."

Offer Specific Help:

• "Are there any errands I can run for you today?"

• "I'd like to take dinner off of your plate one night. What day can I drop off food?"

Avoid Clichés:

I avoid generic statements like "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place." While well-intentioned, phrases like these can oversimplify diverse experiences of grief and fail to capture its complexity. 

Listen:

Sometimes, it's more important to listen than to speak. I let my loved ones share their feelings and memories at their own pace. I'll sit with them—even if it's in silence—to show them they're not alone. 

Validate Their Feelings:

• "It's okay to feel however you're feeling right now."

• "There's no right or wrong way to grieve."

Be Patient:

Grieving is a process that takes time. I make sure my people know I'm there for them for the long haul—whether it takes weeks, months, or years for them to heal. 

Everyone experiences grief differently, so what resonates with one person might not with another. It's important to remain genuine and sensitive. If you're still unsure about what to say, you can tell your loved one, "I don't know what to say right now." Simply offering your presence and a listening ear can be incredibly comforting to someone who's grieving. 

Lily Gordon is a Self Space therapist who works with people navigating grief, loss, anxiety, the effects of trauma, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She can help you move through difficult times and toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. 

Sources:

Breen, L. J., Kawashima, D., Joy, K., Cadell, S., Roth, D., Chow, A., & Macdonald, M. E. (2022). Grief literacy: A call to action for compassionate communities. Death Studies, 46(2), 425–433. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2020.1739780

Smith, K. V., Wild, J., & Ehlers, A. (2020). The masking of mourning: Social disconnection after bereavement and its role in psychological distress. Clinical Psychological Science, 8(3), 464–476. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620902748

Sawyer, J. S., Wilner, L. L., & Ertl, M. M. (2022). Grief and bereavement beliefs among U. S. mental health professionals and the general public. Death Studies 46(10), 2346–2353. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2021.1944399