Congratulations on getting engaged!  I’ll never forget the day my husband asked me to marry him, and 15 years later I still am amazed that we took that wild leap into a lifelong commitment.  As you prepare for marriage, it's a beautiful time to start asking some important questions, in order to not only learn about one another but to start creating habits around communication:  we want to make open, curious, vulnerable connection the norm.  Drawing inspiration from renowned therapist John Gottman, these premarital counseling questions will be a way to start a habit of connecting with thoughtfulness and intention. 

Understanding Each Other's Worlds

• Share a favorite childhood memory and explain why it's important to you.

• Describe your partner's daily routine, including their stressors and sources of joy.

• What do you envision as the perfect way to spend a weekend together?

Effective Communication: The Key to Connection

• Discuss a recent conflict you resolved successfully. How did you approach the conversation?

• How do you typically express affection and love towards your partner?

• Share a time when you felt truly heard and understood by your partner. What made that experience special?

Nurturing Friendship and Intimacy

• What hobbies or activities do you both enjoy doing together?

• How do you prioritize spending quality time with each other amid busy schedules?

• Describe your partner's emotional 'weather report'—how can you tell when they're feeling happy, sad, or stressed?

Navigating Conflict and Finding Common Ground

• Discuss a topic you disagree on and explore ways to find a compromise that satisfies both of you.

• What's a recurring issue that arises in your relationship? How might you approach resolving it constructively?

• Describe a time when you felt your partner truly supported you during a challenging moment. What did they do that made a difference?

Shared Dreams and Goals

• Share your individual goals and aspirations for the next five years. How can you support each other in achieving them?

• What do you both consider the most important values to uphold in your marriage?

• Imagine yourselves in your golden years. What kind of life do you envision together?

By engaging in open, honest, and empathetic conversations, you're taking vital steps toward building a marriage that's rooted in understanding, mutual respect, and enduring love.  If I’ve learned anything in 15 years, marriage is a continuous learning experience, filled with opportunities for growth and connection as each person changes and grows.  As you move forward together, remember that your commitment to addressing these questions with sincerity and compassion will help you create a bond that stands strong through all the seasons of life.

More Resources

• If you think you would benefit from premarital counseling with a licensed therapist, please visit  our Couples Therapy page.

• One resource I love is the book “Attached” by Amir Levine.  Many times, our typical ways of connecting were established long before me met our partner, and looking deeply at your attachment style can be incredibly healing and helpful.

• For further reading, check out our blog posts about the “Prepare and Enrich” premarital counseling framework.

Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.