As featured on The Happy Place

On the surface, perfectionism might seem like a good thing. After all, doesn’t everyone want to be the best version of themself? But the problem with perfection is that it's an impossible - and counterproductive - goal. There's no such thing as perfect, no matter how hard we try to be it.  And the more we try, the more we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration.

So how can perfectionism show up in our lives, and what does it feel like?  As you read this, see if you relate in any way.

First, perfectionism feels like criticism, and it’s exhausting. For many of us, it’s a quiet but nagging voice inside that leaves us with a sense of shame and inadequacy.  Most perfectionists don’t actually believe they could be completely flawless all the time. They know that perfection is a myth, but they still feel unable to bear their own perceived imperfections. What emerges is stress, worry, and a sense that it’s impossible to rest or to be at ease within ourselves. 

Second, perfectionism can land us in extremes. It might be experienced as grandiosity (“I’m perfect!”) or depression (“I’m a complete failure, and I’m worthless.”). There’s a felt sense that if we experience pain, sadness, or messiness, then we’re bad. We’re only lovable - or good - if we’re perfect. There’s very little room for both mess and love.  

Third, perfectionism tells us that “life is a performance” rather than “life is an experience.” This shows up in the way we respond to ourselves when we’re unsure, anxious, or messy. We experience a heightened awareness of our “flaws” and have very little attention to give to our efforts, our successes, or our underlying desires and hopes. We tend to obsess over little details, become stressed easily (because life is so damn messy!), and overfunction until we burn out. Sound familiar? “Trying to be perfect brings me so much joy!” said no one, ever.

But it’s tricky, right? Perfectionism starts out with the best intentions. It wants to help us get our needs met. Somewhere along the way, we got the message that we were more lovable when we were more polished, less messy, less human. This message could come from a million sources - a cultural standard, academia, or a personal experience like having a critical parent. We learned we were more likable when we were confident, when we didn’t need anything. Whatever the cause, the result is the same: we become fixated on the idea of perfection as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of rejection or failure. We believe that if we can just be flawless in every way, we'll finally be worthy of love, acceptance, and respect. 

So here’s the irony: we try to be perfect because we think that’s how we’ll be loved, then we shame and hate ourselves for our own imperfections. We perpetuate the cycle of “I’m not lovable.” We become the critical cultural standard, the critical parent.

The key to breaking this cycle lies in slowly beginning to embrace our imperfections and treat ourselves with compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up over every mistake, we can forgive ourselves. We can learn to see problems as opportunities for learning and growth. We can appreciate the progress we’ve made rather than focusing solely on what we haven’t accomplished.

If you’re not sure where to start, here’s an idea: stop in the middle of whatever critical thought is present. Notice it with as much curiosity as you can muster. I like to literally tilt my head when trying to become more curious, as it signals to my body that I’m here to look at something from a new angle. Then ask yourself, "What am I needing right now? Where am I feeling vulnerable? What do I need to accept about myself?”

The next step may feel counterintuitive, but try it out. Extend some human kindness and tenderness towards the criticism that’s present. This may sound something like, “Thank you for trying to help me be acceptable. It’s okay. I am acceptable now, as I am. I am accepting myself in this moment.”

This is vulnerable. You may be the first person to say to yourself, “It’s okay that you’re not perfect. I’m sorry you feel so much shame, and I’m here for you. I love you even when you feel like you’re not enough.” This is something that’s best done as a daily practice. When we let go of unrealistic expectations and accept our authentic selves, our internal voice starts to change from one of taskmaster to one of comfort and support.

It’s possible for the loving acceptance we long for to come from within. It can be your voice that loves and accepts you unconditionally. And this takes time - you won’t do it perfectly!

When we approach ourselves with this kind of compassionate self-acceptance, we open ourselves up to the possibility of true growth and transformation. We’re able to take risks, try new things, and learn from our mistakes - all of which are essential components of a fulfilling and joyful life. We feel more in balance.

So the next time you find yourself striving for perfection, remember that self-criticism is a wounded part of yourself that needs healing, and be gentle. Your life is not a performance, but an experience to be lived fully in all its stunning complexity.

Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.