No, I don’t live on the water - and wasn’t even searching for shells on the shoreline. “The Tide” is what I’ve started calling the ups and downs of my feelings since the emergence of COVID-19. The ins and outs. The waves. I’ve watched myself experiencing it all these last weeks; fear, anger, gratitude, joy, peace and back again. I find that I resettle just to have to adjust and resettle again and again. Who’s with me?! These ins and outs, ups and downs take their toll. No wonder rocks on the shore are often so smooth! They are literally worn down from change. Yet isn’t that what makes them beautiful - and even soothing? I’ve carried an extremely smooth rock in my jacket pocket for 8 or 9 years now and I rub it almost as a child would a soft edge of a favorite blanket. It was all those tides that made it soothing, rubbed it soft.

When I think about the actual tide being “in” or “out” it does not involve any judgment. One is not bad or wrong while the other is right or better. It just is, and both have their beauty. “The tide is in (or out)” is a statement. For me, there is a simplicity when the tide is all the way in - just water and seaweed floating around making rings as if in a bathtub. As the tide goes back out new formations and creatures emerge that I didn’t know where there, and the exploring begins. An unveiling of life! Both equally beautiful and compelling. What if we approached our internal experience throughout a day (or hour) with that much curiosity and appreciation? We might notice our fear is helping us stay safe and alert. Our gratitude off-sets that fear. Our anger wants justice and peace. We desire to be held and to hold others. We are capable of staying with ourselves. So many rocks to lift, so many treasures to find. We can be curious about these tides.

My Grandma Jane wrote me a beautiful letter which basically said: this is not the first time the world has suffered, we will get through this. Over the last 6 weeks I keep hearing stories of heroes who have weathered pandemics and wars before this one: and these people seem so strong and able to me. The Holocaust survivor who beat COVID-19. The war veteran who now walks to raise money for treatments. These are the stones who have experiences a hundred thousand tides. I look at groups of people or individuals who have suffered greatly and imagine them as much stronger than myself, as having done something remarkable and unfathomable, and yet maybe we are them in the making. Maybe we are smack dab in the middle of an experience that is building in us a strength that can only come from suffering and tides. It sounds cliche, but I think we will look back and see this is true. Our suffering can change us, soften us, and give us new wisdom. So whether your tide is “in” or “out” in this moment, I hope you can approach your feelings with curiosity and compassion - and I’m going to be trying to do the same.

Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.