While watching the new Brene Brown Netflix special “Call to Courage,” I forgot I was watching a shame researcher talk about her data and felt more like I was watching a new comedy special. Hilarious and down-to-earth, Brene Brown is at her best: making years of research on vulnerability, shame and courage accessible and relatable to the rest of us.

It is not random that she has one of the most-watched TED talks and has 5 best-selling books about vulnerability. She is addressing directly something we all want: to belong and to be loved just as we are. This requires vulnerability, and when we are vulnerable we are inevitably going to encounter our own shame.

She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” In my work as a therapist, I have seen shame as the “flip-side of the belonging coin.” The experience of shame can seem unbearably uncomfortable: we blush, want to run, want to hide, want to cover our faces. Its that moment we wish we could melt into the floor and disappear.

But shame is simply the signal our bodies give us saying we are vulnerable and our desire to belong is activated! It is not necessarily something to run from, but an experience that alerts us to our needs. Many times, it is important not to let the shame stop us from staying open and vulnerable.

In this moment of reaching out all the potential is there for a real connection and deep, deep loving. The vulnerability is not weakness, it is the “magic sauce” that makes our relationships what we deep-down want them to be.

This made me remember a moment I experienced with my husband. I was aware that we were both extra busy with work and the kids, and it often felt like we would walk through the door and never fully connect. One night I came home and grabbed him in the doorway, turned his face to me and said, “honey, I need us to connect and I need you to see me.” He smiled and, looking straight into my eyes, said, “okay.”

I wasn't ready for his own vulnerable response - that he was present and available surprised me and I found that after about 20 seconds I had to turn and break eye contact. I felt uncomfortable with the amount of connection - and I was the one that had asked for it! As a therapist, I was surprised at how raw I felt. I mean, isn’t my job to hold a capacity to stay in loving connection, and the discomfort that can bring because of old wounds? It was such a helpful learning experience for me: and I learned that I can stay in the discomfort and lean back in for the connection.

I don’t believe we can live the whole-hearted lives we want to live unless we learn to lean into these uncomfortable moments, trusting they are uncomfortable not because they are wrong, but because they are touching our deepest longings and we aren't willing to hide.

Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.